


Priority: Get Our Commander Laid

by Xireyna



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Actor - Freeform, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, F/M, Famous, M/M, Modern verse, Video Game, famous kaidan, famous!kaidan, gamer kaidan, gamer shepard
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2016-03-25
Packaged: 2018-03-03 05:12:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 9,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2839277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xireyna/pseuds/Xireyna
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaidan Alenko is a highly sought after and well respected actor in the film industry. When his wife, Rahna, leaves him, he takes up video gaming as a hobby when he isn't on set or with his two daughters.<br/>Mikhael Shepard is the guildmaster of Normandy, the top PVE guild on the server Titan in the game Mass Effect. He's a closet fanboy of Kaidan Alenko and considers himself to be the best Vanguard on Titan.<br/>When a guildless Kaidan is discovered, Shepard jumps on the chance to invite the experienced Sentinel to the guild. But, will he ever figure out who the mysterious Kalen ever is?<br/>Of course he will, what type of question is that? The real question is; how will he react once he learns the news?<br/>previously titled a guide on how to biotically pull a famous boyfriend</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He’s a sentinel and he’s got the title Major.

 The name above his character is ‘Kalen’, the letters typed out in a crisp blue text. His armor is nearly the same color as his name, only slightly darker, and it's unique(must be a transmog). He’s got brown hair that’s gelled back and brown eyes. The quality of his armor is surprisingly excellent, all of it coming from the tier raids before the newest ones, [we were server first to clear those, just saying, and will be server first to clear the newest]. And, the most surprising part is that he's guildless.

 “Huh,” I say, “Most people who want to be a biotic go for vanguard or adept, not sentinel.”  And it’s true, if you look at the server statistics, sentinel is the second most underplayed class, only beat out by engineer; reason being that most people like to charge into the middle of things and kill people from there. I guess that’s part of the reason I’m a vanguard. If you ask anyone, though, they’ll say it’s because of my anger problems, which I definitely don’t have. I'm the calmest person I know.

 There's a deafening silence, but it's quickly broken by a feminine voice. “What?” Jack says over voice chat and I instantly know I’ve made a horrible mistake. Her character isn’t standing far from mine, and almost as though it was reflex, turns and runs to my character. Horrified, I try to tactical cloak out of there, but then remember vanguards don’t have that ability. She scoffs, “You’re nerding out over this guy? Seriously?”

 “He’s got nice armor,” I defended myself and my honor, because damn it, I don’t ‘nerd out’ over people unless it’s well deserved. No, I take that back. I never nerd out, and I'm not needing out now. I'm simply appreciating hard work from someone who isn't in my guild. Must be someone who transferred servers.

 “Betcha I’m a better biotic than him. I’m going to challenge him to a duel,” she snarks and internally, I begin to panic. Externally, my knee begins to shake and that pisses my dog off, like always. Lady runs out of the room and knocks down the alarm clock in the process. They’re going to scare him off before I even have a chance to talk to him and invite him to the guild, which is a huge honor, by the way. People beg to get into Normandy.

 I hear Miranda begin to protest from her end and I realize that even though Miranda may be from the other faction, she’s not really a bad person. The vent server explodes into a loud, cacophonous mess. I hear Garrus’ voice above everyone else and while I internally applaud his attempts to get them to stop, it’s not going to happen.

 By this time, everyone’s in Citadel who was in voice chat and they’re all standing in a giant circle like we’re going to put a campfire in the middle and begin to sing Kumbaya. Then again, I wouldn’t put it past these guys to somehow find a way to create a campfire ingame and then learn all of the lyrics to that damn song.

 Liara’s character runs up to the biotic and winks at him, and the chat goes silent. All of us turn to stare at once in anticipation for what’s going to happen next, and the air seems to grow heavy, the suspense gnawing at everyone.

 He logs out.

 “NO!” I yell in a completely manly voice that doesn't crack at all, “Why’d you do that?” I didn’t even have a chance to whisper him and ask him if he wanted to join our guild. <Normandy> was an exclusive guild, and most people were denied from joining it. And the one time I wanted someone to join, they were scared off within the first five seconds of meeting one of us.

 Liara laughs softly into her headset, and I seeth internally, “It’s not a big deal, Shepard. He’ll be back; they never really leave for good. And once he hears about us, he’ll probably ask to join. Who wouldn’t?”

 “Someone who’s been creeped out by the resident Asari Scientist, maybe? I don’t know, just a thought." I'm definitely not moping at all, but that guy had amazing gear and we could have used him for our raiding team, “He could have been some awesome, famous guy. And you just scared him off.”

 “You’re acting like he had your damn kid, Shepard. Stop being a pussy about it,” Jack says and I mouth the words along, because I already know what she’s going to say before she even says it. That's family, there. Literally. I grew up with Jack. She's my first cousin.

 I open my mouth to retaliate to her words with the same intensity, but then he logs back on. This is my chance, “NOBODY MOVE AND NOBODY SAY ANYTHING. I’VE GOT THIS,” I announce, “If somebody doesn’t listen, you’re being demoted to Guild Idiot for the rest of the week, and don’t test me, because I will do it.” I did it the last time someone annoyed me (the someone was Joker, and it was only for a minute, and it was mostly in good fun), and I'm not afraid to do it again. Not for week, of course, but they don't need to know that.

 [21:56:37] [W To] [Kalen]: _Hey! So I couldn’t help but notice you have no guild. Interested in joining <Normandy>?  We’re pretty far ahead in raid progression as compared to the rest of the server._

 “And, sent,” I say out loud with a smug grin, “He’ll want to join. I’m telling you. With me here,” I begin, but groans chorus throughout the channel and cut me off before I can say anything else.

 “You’re not that important,” Joker remarks, seeing it fit to tell me of all people that, and everyone sounds their agreement, which is something I definitely don't approve of, “They come for the raid progression and stay for Garrus and Wrex.”

 A grunt of approval is heard, “Damn right they stay for me,” a deep voice rumbles, “I’d shoot ‘em if they left with our hard earned gear.”

 “…And that’s why nobody wants to join us,” Joker concludes.

I roll my eyes and lean back in my chair, then realize I can’t do that and almost fall backwards. There's some unmanly flailing and my headset almost hits the ground in the ensuing struggle with my chair, but ultimately I come out as the victor and my headset does not hit the ground for another day.

“Did you almost fall backwards again?” I hear Tali say and it sounds like she’s trying to cover her mouth so we don’t hear her giggles. I don't deem that worthy of a response and so I simply ignore her statement.

[21:57:21] [W From] [Kalen]: _sure, why not. toss me an invite._

I hurriedly type into the chat **/ginvite Kalen** as fast as I possibly can that way no other guild can possibly snatch him up before I can. He might have said yes to me, but I don't trust other guilds. They'd do anything to get ahead, even if it means crossing me, which is a really bad idea.

[21:57:25] Kalen has joined <Normandy>.

“Oh shit. Shepard’s about to freak out,” Vega laughs out and I mute my microphone so I can do just that.

“Fuckin’ nerd,” Jack grumbles and Garrus laughs. I suddenly feel betrayed. Garrus is supposed to stand up for me, and after everything I've done for him...

I unmute just so I can say, “Garrus, you didn’t stand up for my honor, we aren’t best bros anymore.”

“Get over it, cupcake.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BIS= best in slot


	2. Deux

“Guess what?”

There’s dead silence for a while until Garrus finally gives up and reminds everyone of our impending doom. “It’s Tuesday,” he says and I definitely am not ready for this raid. I don’t think any of us are, honestly. I'm too tired to even exist right now, and ended up having to work double last night. I already know I'm going to be beyond thrown off tonight unless I manage to find some way to "charge up", so to speak.

The chat is suddenly filled with Joker’s laughter and he’s snapping back at Garrus just as fast, “Is the club going up?” and the line is just so cheesy and ridiculous I can’t stop myself from snorting. I hurriedly mute my mic so that nobody can hear me laughing like a hyena because honestly, my laugh isn’t that great. It sounds like Garrus on a good day, and that's pretty bad. There's a reason Jack tells everyone to never tell a joke around me.

There isn’t even any time for Garrus to respond before Tali is interrogating Joker within an inch of his life about his questionable music choices, because really, who even listens to that song? I've heard it maybe once on the radio and couldn't stand to listen to more than five seconds of it. It was quickly switched over to some good rock, and that was the end of that.

I click into the Skype video call and suddenly see just how flustered and annoyed Tali was making Joker and I’m suddenly glad that everyone thinks I don’t have a webcam because I definitely wouldn’t want to be in Joker’s position right now. But, since I’m an awesome friend, I turn my microphone back on to back up Joker. “Tali, stop asking Joker about his music taste.”

“See? Even he wants you to stop!'

“We all know it’s horrible, but-”

“HEY!”

“But," I cut whatever Joker's about to say off, since he interrupted me and that just isn't cool, "That isn’t an excuse to interrogate him about it. Especially not on raid night. We’ve got about an hour until it’s time to raid. Go get ready, do what you’ve got to do before the raid, because god damnit, we aren't taking any sandwich breaks this time. We’re clearing the first wing of the Base tonight. Got it?” I ask, not actually confident the first wing would be cleared. But, if I seemed like I was, it’d usually happen. Since I'm the 'Shepard', they're the 'sheep', and they do what I demand... I'm not apologizing. Shit, I'm horrible.

Then, a very important thought that may shape the outcome of the night occurs to me, “Anyone know if the new sentinel is going to make it tonight?” I suddenly ask, and the chat goes deathly quiet for a moment.

“Yes, Shepard,” Tali says and Garrus cuts her off before she can say anything else, and for that, I’m thankful.

“He’s coming,” Garrus says, and even though he’s trying to hide the fact that he’s laughing at me, he fails. I choose to ignore it because I’m a good person and refuse to acknowledge any flaws any of my guildmates may have. Most of the time. “I’ve got to go calibrate some stuff. I should be back in time for the raid.”

I shrug, then realize he can’t see me and I begin to feel stupid, “Yeah. Alright. An hour, Garrus. Not three.” He has a tendency to lose track of time and show up late to raiding.

I can’t help but notice that there’s been a large amount of awkward silences lately, mostly after I talk. I’m going to have to have a talk with everyone about why you don’t subject your guildmaster to the pain of awkward silences. Especially during serious business. It gets weird, and I'm really uncomfortable now.

The silence is broken when Tali starts laughing and there’s a quiet noise as both Garrus and Joker disconnect, leaving me alone to face Tali’s wrath. I’m not in the mood to get dead or make someone get dead, so I do the right thing and end the call right then and there. Not today, Satan.

Right as I'm about to close Skype, it lets out the ping sound of death, just to let me know that hey, asshole, someone's messaged you. I involuntarily groan and stare at the screen for a moment until I remember that I need to use my brain and move the mouse to click on Garrus' name to actually read what he wrote. The black text stands out against the blue bubble it's on and it kind of hurts my eyes. It's probably because I've been staring at the screen too long, actually.

[archangel]: _he said he'd try to make it, but it isn't for sure because he said he's got a really hectic schedule_

[awhaleno]: _why didn’t you say that in the call_

[archangel]: _tali is terrifying, shep, what’d you expect_

[awhaleno]: _aren’t you two married_

[archangel]: _why do you think she’s terrifying if I said it she'd realized I'd asked and would tear me to pieces for not making you handle your own business_

[archangel]: _i really need to go calibrate some things, i swear i'll be back in time for the raid_

[awhaleno]: _SET AN ALARM_

[archangel]: _yes mom_

[archangel]: _guessing it's safe to tell Tali that **priority: get our commander laid** is in action_

[awhaleno]: _fuck u say_

[archangel]: _bye_

[awhaleno]: _THIS IS A FUCKING VIDEO GAME I JUST APPRECIATED HIS ARMOR_

[awhaleno]: _I DON'T EVEN NEED HELP WITH MY ROMANTIC LIFE_

[awhaleno]: _I DON'T HAVE ONE FOR A REASON_

[awhaleno]: _IF I WANTED ONE I'D HAVE ONE_

[awhaleno]: _WHAT DO YOU EVEN CALIBRATE_

There's another pinging noise of death and I click it, eyebrows furrowed into a glare. It's Tali this time, and I definitely don't have time for any of her shit after that conversation with someone who's supposed to have my back, but who chose to instead see me struggle. I close off the program and grab my phone, heading downstairs. I ought to go walk Aquila while I wait so that I don't kill anyone that I shouldn't tonight and so that he isn't trying to eat the computer like he did last time and end up shutting off all of the power to my house.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Walk the husky so that he doesn't shut off my power. Get fresh air so that I don't kill everyone. The guild should thank me for being so thoughtful.

 

 


	3. Drei

I don’t always log into our Discord server and hop into the raid channel to find everyone singing Let It Go together, but when I do, I realize I really don’t take long enough walks for this.

“What are we letting go?” Wrex grumbles and I have a distinct feeling Jack and Liara got drunk before this raid. I also have a distinct feeling that Wrex wishes he'd have gotten drunk before the raid. Times like this, I can relate to Wrex. I wish I had gotten drunk too before this disaster. If it began this way, it can only get worse from here. There is no recovering.

I pinch the bridge of my nose and stare at the screen, watching Jack and Liara's names light up, a headache slowly forming. These guys are my bros, my amigos, but none of them can sing and that really kills me because it hasn’t occurred to them yet that they’re horrible at it and shouldn’t try. I'd hate to be the one to kill their dreams, but if they don't stop, I will do it and I will regret nothing but not telling them sooner.

“It appears they are letting their worries go, Wrex,” EDI says, as polite as ever and I find myself envying her vast amount of patience. It’s almost worrying. Sometimes, I don’t even think she’s human. Imagine that.

It isn't long before Liara hits a particularly shrill note that contrasts sharply with the low one Jack managed and that’s when I decide there’s enough singing, “Well, they can let it go with their microphone muted. SHUT UP. You’re giving me and the rest of the world a headache. Dogs everywhere are crying. For fuck's sakes, guys. We're a raiding guild, not goddamn X Factor. It's almost like you guys are trying to turn me into Zaeed." I’m really glad he isn’t in the channel.

They finally stop and with that, I find the willpower to log into the game and enter as my vanguard. Time to raid the Collector Base, but only if whatever deity out there is willing, anyways. Chances are something is going to end up stopping us and causing us to go back and do the Citadel raid instead, because that's what happened every damn time with Virmire, seeing as we have the best luck. Funnily enough, that was the exact raid where Ashley decided to leave because we weren’t getting enough things done fast enough. Hilarious how fast that changed when she ragequit.

“One of my goldfish caught on fire and the other one is drowning. Gotta go,” a distinctly feminine voice says and I recognize it as Miranda. My jaw drops and I’m ready to release a scathing response that’s sure to burn her as bad as her goldfish is, which doesn’t even make sense, by the way, horrible lie, please feel bad, but Jack beats me to it, and she should be thankful for that.

“YOU DON’T EVEN OWN A GOLDFISH, CHEERLEADER.”

And with that, my headache is suddenly back. “Is anyone even at the damned meeting spot? Jesus, guys. You’re like five year olds. I’m going to just go raid it by myself,” I snap and I can hear the eyerolls and the doubts from here.

“Good luck.” Tali.

“Yeah, really.” Joker.

“You wouldn’t make it past the trash.” Wrex.

“Uh, guys. I am the best vanguard on this server, thanks for the unneeded input.” Assholes.

There’s laughter and I frown as I realize that my guild doesn’t believe in me, “Oh yeah? You guys don’t believe me? Who’s the only one to have beaten Jack in a duel?” Everything goes silent and I smirk to myself, immensely proud of myself for finally quieting down the giant five year olds in the channel.

"Fuck you, Shep. We don't talk about that. You cheated and everyone knows it."

You can't even cheat in this game, but I'm not going to tell her that.

People finally start arriving at the meeting spot (why do I have to verbally kill everyone for this to happen) and I start sending out invites to our main raiders. It's kind of a shame that I can only take 10 people, because I’d love to take more than that. But, I don’t make the game or the decisions. The company does. This is one of those situations where I wished I could just pull a Nick Fury. _I recognize that the company has made a decision, but given that it's a stupid ass decision, I've elected to ignore it._ Then again, I do that enough in-game with the Council. Not my fucking fault they're all idiots. Pretty sure the Company designed the Council as being supreme, but they clearly didn't have us in mind.

[18:01:56] [W To] [Garrus]: _does he know what time the raid is_

[18:02:11] [W From] [Garrus]: _well you see why happened was. That might have been forgotten and not mentioned_

[18:02:17] [W To] [Garrus]: _words cannot express my disappointment right now bro you have betrayed me_

[18:02:30] Kalen has logged on.

[18:02:35] [W To] [Garrus]: _I forgive you_

[18:02:43] [Guild] [Kalen]: _I’m not late, am I? Nobody told me the raid time, so I had to guess._

[18:02:45] [Guild] [Shepard]: _You are, but since Garrus forgot to tell you when he asked you, it’s fine. I’ll get with you later and tell you all of our raid nights and the times. Besides, these assholes know the time and are late every day. Consider it a rite of passage._

"Laying it on thick, Shepard," Liara croons with that sickly sweet voice, slurring her words and I'm suddenly reminded why I can't stand her ass. Always questioning and judging my decisions like she's my mother.

"You aren't my real mom, and don't forget who decides who goes to the raid. I am the supreme ruler. Remember that."

She starts laughing and yeah, she's drunk as hell and this is going to be a fucking infuriating night. The fact she's drunk doesn't even surprise me at all, considering she works at a damned bar as a bartender and drinks half of what she makes. They don’t even catch her, that’s the worst part. I call complete bullshit on that.

“None of you ever believe me. We’ll see who’s laughing when I start cutting people from the raid team. We’ll see,” I say and lean back in my chair, glaring at the screen defiantly. They don’t think I’ll do it, either, because they keep laughing. They must not know me as well as they think I do. I'm manly as hell. I'll do it and not think twice.

“You wouldn’t,” her carefree voice comes across the speakers of my headset and I glare at the screen even harder. It’s like she tries to make me want to bash my head into a wall. Or bash her head into a wall. Both work, although the second option is definitely more appealing. However, since that isn’t possible, I’ll accidentally forget to charge or nova a few times tonight and get her killed. Shit happens, even if it's intentional. She can't prove anything.

Since everyone has an amazing tendency to cut me off before I’m even able to speak, it’s only natural it happens everytime I’m about to fire a scathing retort. This time, it’s EDI. “I have given our new recruit the information to log onto our Discord server. If none of you want to face Shepard’s wrath, I would suggest acting normal as to not scare him away.” Suddenly, I’m reminded of why I like EDI. Good woman. Great woman.

“Thanks,” is all I reply with and the last of the invites go out. I make sure that I’ve sent an invite to Kalen before I invite any of the extras, the lazy ones just looking to be carried. The vent server goes deathly quiet and the silence is great. It’s nice for everyone to be quiet for once. This really should happen more. I might consider doing a ventless raid night one night. The quiet does wonders.

  
The silence is suddenly broken by the sound of someone entering the channel and it erupts into total chaos. This is going to be a long fucking night and it hasn't even started yet. I groan really loudly in hopes it'll make them shut up. Hint; it doesn't.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Mardi Gras! Have a chapter.


	4. Chapter 4

"Shut up!" is all it takes for everyone to stop talking, and the worst part is that it didn't even come from me.

I can always rely on Wrex to have my back, though. "Thanks, Wrex. You’re the best one out of all of these people." He laughs at that, and I'm pretty sure he nodded his head in response, but I can't tell, since I clearly can't see him. There's no response from the sheep.

"So, uh," I begin and clear my throat, "We ready to get this show on the road or what? We don’t have all night. Some of us have work tomorrow." There’s a few murmurs of agreement and a few agreeing messages in raid chat.

[18:07:12] [Raid] [Grunt:] _FUCK YEAH._

[18:07:15] [Raid] [Zaeed:] _go home or go hard_

[18:07:26] [Raid] [Samara:] _I believe the correct term is go hard, or go home._

[18:07:32] [Raid] [Zaeed:] _thanks sweetheart. can always rely on you to help out and correct me when i need to be ;)_

[18:07:40] [Raid] [Shepard:] _no flirting in raid, and no winky faces either. focus_

[18:07:46] [Raid] [Joker:] _acting like you don't do it_

“Shut it, Joker. It happened once.” We don't talk about it.

 “Once is enough, if you ask me,” he snarks back, and damnit Joker, this is not the impression I want to make on anyone.

So, naturally, I have to retaliate to save some of my pride. “Good thing I wasn’t. Wrex, start pulling.” Topic deflector, but it works. Everyone usually gets the hint and stops. Wrex pulls the first mob and we're instantly met with a biotic barrier from a collector guardian and it's warp ammunition. It results in heavier healing being needed on Wrex, but it's nothing we haven't dealt with before. It's bursted down, and after that, it's chainpull after chainpull. Until, we get to a point where there's two collector guardians and a praetorian, but it can't be that hard. 

"Kasumi, we're going to need CC on the right collector guardian. Blind him, sap him, I don't care. Liara, CC the other guardian. You know what to use. Focus the praetorian and DON'T ATTACK THE TWO CC'D MOBS. Got it?"

"Praetorian is the ugly thing, right?" Grunt asks, and it's a surprise, because he usually doesn't say much. There's a few comments about all of them being ugly, and Zaeed starts flirting with Samara again, but Garrus answers his question and people finally start doing things.

Kasumi blinds the right guardian and he begins to wander aimlessly. Liara casts stasis on the left one, and Wrex pulls the praetorian towards the raid. It lets out one AOE attack, and everyone loses their shit.

"IT JUST HALF-HEALTHED ME, WHAT THE FUCK?"

"HALF-HEALTHED? IT NEARLY ONE-SHOTTED ME!"

"THEN DON'T STAND IN IT!"  **  
**

"This group will have a higher success rate if the glowing green stuff on the ground is not stood in. It does a lot of damage."

Wrex moves it backwards and away from the raid, at the risk of getting it too close to the other two mobs, but, since Wrex is amazing, he doesn't. He's just good that way.

[18:13:34] [Raid] [Kalen:]  _you know, usually groups wipe on that_

[18:13:40] [Raid] [Kalen:]  _good job_

[18:13:45] [W From] [Joker]: _;))))))_

[18:13:53] [W To] [Joker]: _STOP IT I DON'T KNOW THIS GUY AT ALL WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO does stranger danger mean NOTHING TO YOU_

[18:13:58] [W From] [Joker]: _lol i didn't know edi_

_Joker has been ignored._

"Thanks. We try. Joker, focus on the raid and abandon Priority: GOCL. Seriously."

"Hey, not fair! You ignored me."

"I've ignored you like ten times. I ignore everyone."

Part of me honestly wonders who the company even had in mind when they made this raid, because the trash has been ridiculously easy so far. Then again, it's just trash so far, and we aren't exactly new to raiding.  There's been no deaths yet, which has been pretty great, especially considering that Zaeed came up with a drinking game that whenever someone dies in-game, you take a shot. Believe it or not, I’d like to stay sober because someone has to call out when to roll and when to get behind things, and it seems like I might stay somewhat sober tonight. Then again, I’ve probably jinxed myself saying that.

The banter is interrupted by Garrus, Wrex, and Grunt entering the next room and yelling, "BOSS FIGHT!" into vent. 

Great.

“Guy has a lot of health,” is one of the many to come obvious observations of the night. It’s almost fucking ridiculous how many of those get made in a three hour time span, but you get to expect it from these people eventually. If one isn’t made, something is wrong. It's usually a good idea to call 911.

There’s a noncommittal grunt from Zaeed, “Gear check boss as the first boss?” That usually never happens, but then again, having a fucking dragon as the first boss (which DOESN'T EVEN FIT THE THEME) is more rare than a gear check boss being first. They might just be making sure that heroic Virmire is cleared first, considering people have a tendency to try and skip previous raids. This way, if they make that impossible…

It’s ensuring content isn’t cleared too fast. Except, we’re here to ruin that. “Just making sure heroic Virmire was cleared. Anyways, all of you know what to do. Get buffed up. There’s a feast down, get that buff. Use enhancers. Let’s try to down this guy the first time. Let everyone know why we’re the best.” It’s more than I usually say, but with someone new, a routine helps. Sort of, anyways. That's my excuse. Routine, definitely.

“Either you’re in a good mood, or hell has frozen over,” Garrus remarks, and if he could see me in person, he’d notice the amazing eye roll that I just pulled off. Lately, my bros have been betraying me in the worst ways possible. They’re seeing something out of nothing, and making me look bad. Bad and needy. I’m not a bad person or needy, and it’s starting to get kind of offensive, honestly. I don’t do this to them.

With a huff, I announce that I’m in a good mood because the boss is going to be easy, and if people don’t stop commenting on it, hell will freeze over, and it won’t be pretty.

Garrus laughs. Actually laughs. At me, of all people. I don't know what to do. I am in shock. Wrex decides this would be a perfect time to pull the boss, however, and rips me from my shock because I have to get some really heavy dps on this boss before the enrage timer hits. I'm assuming he has an enrage timer, anyways. Every boss I've ever fought has had one, but most of the time, the enrage timer was never hit anyways. Except for that one time that Jack afk'd in the middle of the boss.  She claims it was a disconnect. I doubt it.

A quick tilt of the camera, and I can see everyone is doing their job properly. Recount shows that the healers are healing properly, getting some very valuable shields out there that determine whether or not this fight is won (dps is very important, but that won't matter if the tanks aren't alive to take aggro, and Wrex and Grunt, though they're trading off, they are still taking some pretty heavy damage.) It's nothing to throw out the occasional barrier myself on them, just to keep things going smooth (it's not like it changes my dps, anyways.)

It's almost not surprising that Kalen is at the top of the healing and damage meter, considering his gear, but what is surprising is that he's able to do that and pump out a slight bit of dps (enough to matter, of course) at the same time while not compromising the tanks. It's apparent that the healers in their weird healer chat (that I don't even bother monitoring anymore because of the sheer insanity in that chat, they called me Haelie for Christ's sake) made the decision that Kalen would be tank healing (they do this to every new healer, it's ridiculous), and if they're not impressed, they've gone too insane.

Naturally, the boss fight is going well.

Until god damn meteors start raining down on everyone, while there are locations of wasp swarms in certain places that stun anyone who happens to be unfortunate enough to be in one. 

"Alright, group on me. Don't get hit by a meteor, and if you group on me, and move with me, exactly when I do, you won't get hit by wasps or the meteors." I don't even get why there are meteors in this fight. It doesn't even fit the theme. And then, the phase doesn't even last long. It's over as soon as it started, and within three minutes, the boss is dead. Aside from that one phase, pure tank and spank. Guess they figured that they might as well raise the health of the boss a lot, considering the easiness. Must have been made by a newer worker at the headquarters.

Now, they get to start on more trash while I pass out loot, which is actually more boring than killing trash mobs. "Main spec roll for Last Whisper, dps item, in 3, 2, and 1."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH GOD THIS WAS SO BAD AND SHORT I'M SORRY U.U I LOVE ALL OF YOU I REALLY DO I'M BAD AT UPDATING


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> finally went through and replied to comments. wow, I'm a trashlord at this lmfao sorry guys I love you guys sm promise

The trash mobs got harder.

To clarify, the trash mobs were frustrating everyone and pissing Wrex and I off because they took too long to die or they just killed everyone in two hits or less, depending on the mob and the spell being casted. Everything had to be interrupted or the penalty was embarrassment by death, or death by embarrassment, depending on whichever one fit the situation more.

"I need a break!" Tali halfway shouted into the channel, and honestly, I can't help but agree with her because you know if I'm getting frustrated at mobs, it's bad. My damn dog chose to run and hide by my bed, and I wasn't even yelling. Or saying anything for that matter. Maybe the mobs scared him too. He understood the struggle. Somehow. Aquila is really good like that.

Someone laughs and suggests, "Singing break?" and it's the worst idea I've heard in a long time, and that person who suggested it was Jack (family sucks), and this is why Garrus is my best friend, and not Jack. But, nobody except myself protest and since my microphone was muted, mine didn't count anyways, and by the time I realized it was muted, it was too late. 

"Don't you fucking do it," I snarl into the channel, having finally unmuted my microphone, but apparently they're all fucking deaf because nobody listened, and the first word I hear that's remotely close to singing, I'm not amused. So, I just mute everyone's microphones with administrator privileges. "I said not to do it. I fucking said it." The chat's being flooded with protests, but since they didn't want to listen to me, I just won't listen to them. "Stop typing and go on break. Ten minutes. We'll start up trash again soon," and that comes out as a resigned grumble, even though I didn't mean for it to.

[19:03:34] [Raid] [Kalen:] _well, that was interesting while it lasted_

[19:03:41] [Raid] [Kalen:] _can't say it bothers me that it didn't last longer than a second, though_

[19:03:43] [Raid] [Jack:] _NONBELIEVER_

[19:03:46] [Raid] [Jack:] _SHEP DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS GUY_

[19:03:49] [Raid] [Garrus:] _it's not a big deal._

[19:03:54] [Raid] [EDI:] _It would improve morale, but it would be detrimental to Shepard's mental health._

"You can do it when I'm not exhausted. And when we aren't raiding. Okay, Jack?"

[19:04:00] [Raid] [Jack:] _how about no. now._

Frustrated sigh. "Not happening, then. Sorry, not sorry. Go do something productive, fucking hell. What is this? A god damn talk show? Go away. GO DO SOMETHING."

She stops typing. I assume that means that she's finally gone and gotten up to go do something, and that thought might be the best thing I've even thought of in a while. The silence in the channel is doing wonders, and I'm actually pretty sure I'm just going to call the raid for tonight, because I'm still frustrated and I'm still exhausted. "You guys mind if we just call the raid? We downed one boss. I'm just too tired to do this right now, especially considering Jack is drunk and Miranda isn't here." I unmute everyone just to hear a vocal response since looking at the monitor is seriously beginning to hurt my eyes.

Surprisingly, everyone is fine with it. They just want to sing now, which is completely fine with me because that means I can actually exit the voice chat channel and not have to deal with the normal negative aspects that come with leaving the channel when you're raid leading. Such as, people standing in the fire. Intentionally. They've done it to me multiple times, and each time there's a different excuse. Half of the time it's claiming that they thought it was okay because they weren't told otherwise, and this is the type of stuff that honestly makes me wonder how we're a serious raiding guild and how we even get server firsts with these idiots. (Namely Joker and Grunt. I still love Grunt, though. He's like my son.)

"Look, if that means we get to actually end this night on a good note, that's great. As long as it's a literal note. With voices. Vocal cords." I thought Jack had left, but apparently she didn't.

"What the hell is it with singing tonight?" Wrex grumbles, and I almost know instantly from that statement that people are going to try to make him sing that Barbie song, and he's going to get annoyed. Again.

What comes next isn't a surprise. "Hey, Wrex. Barbi-" Joker starts, and the sound of someone disconnecting from the channel plays, and Wrex is gone. I don't blame him. I'm not sure why I haven't left the channel yet, because by now, I usually would have left considering the shit they do after raids is insane and I don't want anything to do with it.

[19:04:58] [W From] [Kalen]: _are they always like this?_

[19:05:05] [W To] [Kalen:] _yeah. I've tried to get them to be normal people, but they just don't want to._

[19:05:13] [W From] [Kalen:] _that's not a bad thing, though. it's an escape from reality for them. haven't had an atmosphere like this in a while. it's nice. thanks for inviting me._

I guess he's right about the atmosphere part. I honestly never thought of it that way, but it's true. It does give these people an escape from reality, and I guess it gives me one too. There's a reason I've got more online friends than I do in real life. 

[19:05:20] [W To] [Kalen:] _you're welcome._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please remember to leave comments. feedback helps!  
> *wags finger at silent readers*  
> also, I've noticed I post like one of these every month.  
> sheesh. I love you guys. I don't mean to make you wait that long.


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> remember to leave a comment and kudos if you liked it! i feed on those things, lol

I am not a closet fanboy of Kaidan Alenko, or anyone else. I am not. He's just a great actor and singer and I respect that a lot. He's pretty amazing at what he does, and I take note of that and appreciate it often. That doesn't make me a closet fanboy in the slightest. It makes me a person who appreciates his work. There's nothing wrong with that. That being said, when he posted on Twitter that the newest Mass Effect raid was bullshit, my appreciation grew quite a bit as I realized he actually played it. 

"Shepard, shut up. It's not that big of a deal. So what, the only guy in the history of males you have a hard-on for plays Mass Effect. Plenty of other people do too," Jack says, and of course she would. She just doesn't understand. Nobody does. This is a really big deal to me. Besides, I don't even have a hard-on for him. You can appreciate someone a lot without having a hard-on for them, and it's not like I'm 14 and pop a boner at everything I see. I don't look at tiled floors and think, "God damn. I want to have sex on that."

...Alright. So maybe I have thought about it once or twice, but it sure as hell wasn’t a tile floor (that shit is cold) or a carpet (I don’t want my dick to get carpet burn if worse comes to worse). More like on that black couch in…

Fuck. Alright. Doing it again. Shouldn’t do that.

“I’m going to take your silence as you agreeing with me and that you’ve moved the fuck on,” Jack suddenly snipes, and I almost fall out of my chair in shock, because apparently while I was thinking on things, I managed to turn my volume all the way up on my headphones. I do manage to hold in the pterodactyl scream that tried to come out, but can’t stop myself from flinching and banging my knee on my desk, nearly knocking the whole thing over.

“No,” I whimper, mostly out of the intense burning sensation that’s happily at home in my knee.

Jack instantly knows what happened. “You hit your knee again. God damnit, Shepard. How the fuck are you such a pussy?”

“My sound was all the way up,” I whine in protest, “I wasn’t expecting it. It’s not my fault.” Suddenly, I remember something and a smirk replaces the frown on my face (but not the pain). “Remember when you cried like a little bitch whenever you stubbed your toe on the door frame and tried to fight it? I do.” The threat is subtle, but it’s there.

“You wouldn’t,” she says after a moment, the words coming out in the form of a low growl, and it’s easy to tell that she’s clenching her teeth in either anger or annoyance at being reminded.

“I so fucking would,” I snark back, and I’m pretty sure that if I was in front of her, I’d have gotten punched by now. Or worse. But, she’s not in front of me. I’m safe from her. For now, anyways.

“Mikhael Shepard,” Jack snarls in a threatening manner, “I’m going to kick your ass so hard next time I see you.” No, she won’t. She’ll either forget about it, or half-ass punch my shoulder.

“If you do, then I’ll actually tell people.”

She disconnects from the server, and that’s probably the best and the worst thing that could happen at that moment, because Tali, Garrus, and Joker all sign in at once and I can’t help but think that they’re planning something, because this just isn’t normal. They never sign in all together, and they never sign in right after Jack drops.

“Sooo, Hale… old buddy… old pal,” and that’s whenever I know they’re planning something for sure. Joker never calls me Hale unless he wants something, and even then, that’s only because he refuses to say my first name because “it’s too hard, I’ve already got it hard enough, Shep. Don’t force me to say it,” and he pulls that buddy/pal bullshit unless he knows I won’t crack easy.

“No,” I deadpan.

He scoffs. “You didn’t even know what I was going to ask.”

“Don’t have to know. You’re going to ask for something.”

“Pffft. No.”

Tali clears her throat. “He actually wasn’t, Shepard. He was going to ask about your gigantic crush on the Kalen, and if he wanted to raid late, if you wouldn’t Mountain Dew him. Since, you know. Your metal gear is like solid snake, according to what you say when you’re drunk off your ass at the end of raids.”

Then, the confusion hits. “What? I don't even know what that means, and I don’t…” And then, I begin to defend myself. “I don’t have a crush on him. I don’t know him. I don’t know what he sounds like. I don’t know what he looks like. All I know is that he’s a guild member, and he has nice gear. Get off of my back.” The last syllable of back is drawn out more than it should be.

“What? Last I checked, you could handle heroic dungeons. And apparently you get hard like heroic whenever you see his character, so-” Garrus begins and I start coughing, because this type of stuff is completely unexpected from people I thought were my friends.

“GUYS, IT’S A VIDEO GAME. I’M NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO ANYONE,” I try to say, but I’m drowned out by their crude innuendos and bickering.

“His noggenfogger potion can give you the bone you need.”

“Wrong game, Tali,” Garrus says, an amused tone creeping into his voice.

“Oops.”

I give up and let my head fall into my hands, letting out a loud groan in the process. They don’t notice. That, or they don’t care. They’re all in the middle of a loud discussion of how they’ll attempt to get us together, and I’ve given up on telling them no, because there’s nothing there, and because it’s a video game, when someone signs into chat and it all becomes eerily quiet (which didn’t last for very long).

"Hey there, Kalen!" Tali cheerily says, and my blood runs cold for a moment as I hope he didn't hear any of their bullshit.

There's an unfamiliar cough, and suddenly for the first time since he's been here the past month, he speaks. "Hey," he says, and his voice is smooth and holyfuckIthinkIliedaboutthecrushnow. I let out a choked sound, because not only is his voice smooth, I can pinpoint exactly who it sounds like within seconds of hearing it.

"You know, you sound a lot like that celebrity, ah, what's his name, Haellie?" Joker says, and I know what he's getting at. He's trying to embarrass me in front of Kalen since he finally spoke.

"Don't fucking call me that, Joker. And, uh, no idea. No idea who or what you're talking about. Nope. None at all. Nada." I'm not about to let him do that, no matter what he sounds like.

"Really, becau-" he tries to say, and I know exactly what he's going to say, and I'm not going to let him.

"Shut up. You aren't even relevant right now, Joker," I interrupt and try to change the topic as soon as I can, "Where's Edi?" 

Garrus backtracks. "You aren't changing the topic, Mikhael. It's not that easy."

"Mikhael? That's your first name?" Kalen says, and hearing him say my name and pronounce it correctly is not at all okay, especially considering the fact he sounds exactly like Kaidan Alenko, who according to Jack, gives me a hard-on. "I didn't know that."

"Uh... Yeah. It is," I say after a moment, doing my best to keep my voice steady and free of the nervousness that's trying to wriggle it's way in.

Kalen makes a noise of approval, "I like it," he says, and I know right then and there that I'm as good as fucked, because I definitely can't say that I find no part of him attractive and be telling the truth now, and Joker realizes that when he gives a triumphant laugh. I can't bring myself to respond.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tfw u die and come back #IAmShepard  
> or apparently i must have died because I DIDN'T UPDATE FOR FIFTY YEARS  
> thank epic rap battles of history for this chapter. especially shaka zulu vs julius caesar. seriously guys. can we just think of this for a sec because roman mythology made me think of greek stuff and i just. shepard as a god (zeus/poseidon/hades) and kaidan as a mortal and. fuck i accidentally made a new story idea. or, ya know. kaidan as a god. shep as a loyal follower. ends up seeing kaidan doesnt realize who he is and flirts unrelentlessly with him and the only reason kaidan doesnt smite him is bc he's attractive and he's a loyal follower woo  
> once again so sorry for the late update. sorry if not much happened in this chapter. i needed to get it out asap.  
> anyways, I post more frequently on my tumblr, so go follow me there! bioticspectre.tumblr.com


	7. Tali=Jesus

“You know, I’m actually really surprised that he spoke,” Tali tells me, and I’m struggling to keep my phone to my ear using just my shoulder, since both of my hands are currently occupied. One holding Aquila’s leash, and the other holding a treat that Aquila is fucking killing herself to get to, jumping every fucking where and it’s almost making me lose my balance, so I just give in.

“Here, god damnit,” I growl and I totally don’t forget I’m on the phone with Tali as I drop the treat and proceed to drop my phone at the same time.  “MOTHERFUCKER, I’M GOING TO SELL YOU ON THE FUCKING BLACKMARKET TO A BI-” I start, and I’m not really sure if I’m talking to Aquila, the phone, or the treat, but the looks I get from the people around me are more than enough to get me to cease and desist in less than point five seconds, so I bend down, grab my phone (and ignore Tali laughing hysterically because apparently she heard it), grip the leash tighter than usual, and walk a little bit faster than I normally do back to my apartment, because FUCK THAT.

She doesn’t stop laughing, so I have to go to drastic measures, which is code for HANG UP ON HER. I do it without dropping my phone, so that’s easily the best thing I’ve done all day (besides exist, let’s be real.) And then, I remember the conversation we were having before I had a mishap, and I kind of want to cry a little.

But, I don’t. Shepards do not cry. Ever. We’re above that. We’re manly men, and our women are womanly manly womanly lady-like women. Or, at least, our women were like that. It’s more of women being singular (so, woman) now, because my mom is the only female Shepard left. And, I’m the only male Shepard left. It’s up to me to continue the bloodline, and I’m gay, so it’s a little fucked up. So, the only thing that’ll be continuing is my dick going places where religious people say it shouldn’t.

...And then I remember the conversation. AGAIN. And I decide that even though I don’t want to call her back because my pride is at risk, but then I figure that I can just lie about hanging up on her, blame it on the phone reception being bad after I dropped my phone because the cards inside of the phone got a little rattled, which totally works every single time I use it, but I should probably stop using that excuse soon in case it ever actually happens. Boy who cried wolf, anyone?

So, I swallow my pride and dial her number, and put my phone back up to my ear, and I'm met with an electronic voice saying, “This number is not available. Please try again later.” Which is actually almost enough to cause me to throw the phone directly at the nearest wall, which isn't very near at all, but the small reminder that I'm sort of broke is all that is takes to squash that thought and shove my phone in my pocket and finish storming home like a five year old having a tantrum.

Which is then ruined by Garrus calling me. So, me being the good person I am, I answer, and he’s laughing hysterically. Apparently Tali told him about my incident and so, I grumble out, “Fuck you guys, I'm going to take a nap when I get home. Stop calling me.”

“You’re an idiot, Shepard. There is nobody alive that's as… you as you. And by as you as you, I mean overly spastic and forgetful. If there was a contest, you’d win.”

“I wish I broke my phone so I didn't have to talk to you guys. I hate all of you. So. Much.” I really don't. But right now, I kind of feel like I do, but then I really know I don't, and yeah. I wonder if it'd be safe to say that I do hate them, but only a little, and if that would be accurate? Shit, this is confusing.

“SHEPARD. ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?” Somehow, the voice has switched to Tali, and I'm glad that I'm finally at my front door, and that nobody witnessed me almost drop Aquila’s leash, and that nobody saw me jump a little at the sudden voice change and loudness.

“Where did you come from?” I demand, because I'm good at demanding things, “Are you Jesus? Bitch, are you Jesus?”

“If I was, I'd have married you off by now,” she replies and her voice is so monotone that I'm convinced she is Jesus, and she’s just trying to lie to me and can't manage to do it, so she has to make her voice as flat as possible to avoid detection. Well, nobody can fool me. Nobody.

“Jesus, why do you hate me?”

“...What the… Shepard. Really? Stop it. Apparently when you embarrass yourself in public, you turn into an idiot. Stop that. Go into your house, and we’re going to have a conversation about how you’ve got a crush on Kalen, and how you can't talk to us on the channel anymore because you shorted out your microphone by drooling on it.”

I am at a loss of words. I don't even know how she knew that. “I… did NOT, repeat, did NOT short out my microphone by drooling on it because of his voice. I did not. That's lies and blasphemy,” and I hope that's convincing enough, because I really don't have it in me to say anything more than that, because I'm exhausted as it is. I shut the door behind me and take Aquila’s leash off of her, and she darts to my room like a bat out of hell.

“I never said anything about his voice,” she’s amused when she says it, and I know I've given myself away by giving her too much information. But, it wasn't even my fault the mic shorted out. Aquila had been chewing on my wires, so it was already weakened as it was, and I was drunk as hell whenever he started to talk again, so naturally I was going to do what all drunk men do when they're attracted to something, which is drool.

Over the microphone.

Which made it short out and almost electrocute me. I think, anyways. Drunk me doesn't know or care. “Alright, fine. So I did. I was drunk and guy has a nice voice. What about it?” I opt for the know-nothing route. It usually works on her.

She laughs at me, “Whatever you say, Shep. But what if I told you that in about four months, there's going to be a convention for the game, and that you’ll get a chance to actually put a face to the voice there?”

And I can't lie… that does sound phenomenal and like something I'd want. And then I remember they're trying to play matchmaker. “No, god damnit. Wait, shit. I mean yes, I’ll go, but not for him. I'm going for you guys. Obviously. Why would I just go to see if a killer voice matches the face and bo- OH GOD. STOP TRYING TO TRICK ME, JESUS. It's not going to work anymore. The Devil is a LIE. I'm taking a nap. We’ll talk about this later whenever you can't influence my mind.”

I choose to ignore her saying she will always be able to influence me and hang up the phone, following in the direction Aquila ran (which means I’m going to my bedroom, obviously), and don't even bother shutting the door to my bedroom either. I fall on the bed and slap my phone onto the table by the bed. Aquila jumps up onto the bed with me and tries to get under the covers.

“No, damnit. Stop that! You know you can't get under the covers,” and it's a temporary struggle between us before she gives up and settles to pass out on my pillow, which is still better than under the covers, even if the pillow is still undesirable. It doesn't take much for her to fall asleep, and I'm pretty sure this nap is going to be sleepless for me.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this took a while to get out, and I apologize for that. I was going through a struggle with my writing. As always, please remember to leave a comment if you desire and kudos if you enjoy what you're reading.


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